Monday Moaning

I think I will dedicate every Monday on my blog to vent any frustrations I'm having at the moment. And you, the lucky reader, get to be that lendful ear through my trying times. Thank you, in advance, for listening.
I was by myself with both kids last night. Ken had gone to see Roger Clyne's concert with some of his friends. He left around 4:30 p.m. Let me just say that those 4 1/2 hours alone with my children was a bit rough. I do it everyday, so why was it so terrible last night? I was tired from a busy weekend and both Carter and Danielle were extra needy. Carter's latest thing is yelling - not only when he's upset, but when he gets excited over something, or when he wants something, and maybe even when he's just bored. It was cute at first, but not so much now. I'm eager for him to use more words and less of this other nonsense. Danielle just didn't want me to put her down AND she wouldn't take a nap either. She's had a cold for over a week now. Her body is still trying to get rid of it and she still coughs occasionally. That's probably why she was a little cranky last night.
It's crazy how much more busy I am now that I have two kids. When it was just Carter, I could be lazy at any given moment. I don't have that option these days. Any down time I have when the kids are sleeping is used for cleaning the house, doing dishes or laundry, and cooking. It's hard to manage it all. I want to pull my hair out most days, but I can't do that because I hardly have any left! This thing called postpartum hair loss might as well be called postpartum balding. Everytime I get out of the shower and squeeze the water from my hair, I have about 6 strands in my hand when I'm finished. When I blowdry my hair, it's flying out all over the place. It's on the sink, on the bathroom floor, in my hair scruchie. I looked at the back and top of my head with a mirror yesterday and I could see my scalp! I wanted to cry.
I'm also still working on shedding those last 10 lbs. from being pregnant. It's hard. I want to diet so bad, but I can't right now. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize how well the breastfeeding is going. Crash dieting would cause my milk supply to dip. I feel like I would be selfish if I did that. Danielle deserves to have the best start in life, and I'm so proud to be able to give that to her. I had so many problems with breastfeeding when Carter was born. The recovery from his birth was difficult for me both physically and emotionally. Caring for a newborn while trying to heal from a difficult delivery AND master breastfeeding was all a bit much for me back then. I wasn't taking care of myself in that I hardly ate. I had no appetite. I pretty much lived off of Nutri-Grain bars and Cheerios. I'm sure that had something to do with why the breastfeeding didn't go well with Carter. You're supposed to eat healthy, and I wasn't. You're supposed to get adequate sleep, and I didn't. You're supposed to limit stress - ha ha ha, that's a laugh! Long story short, I should just relax a little and be proud of what I'm doing. There's plenty of time for me to get my body back the way I want it to be. I just have a habit of being really hard on myself.
My self-image isn't the only thing I want to work on. I feel like I got lost somewhere in between having Carter and having Danielle. Who I was before having kids and who I am now is so different. I love being a Mom. I don't want to be the person I was back then - it's impossible anyhow. I guess I'm in the process of redefining who I am and who I want to be. What kind of Mom do I want to be? What kind of wife do I want to be? How do I find balance between all these things and still have a sense of identity? These are the questions I've been asking myself.